‘Crush Your Enemies’ Game Review: Discover The Joy Of Conquest

I’ve been pretty depressed recently. My love life is dead, I don’t have any money, and I forgot where I parked my car. At times like these, I like to remember the words a wise man told me one fateful day. These words… I’d like you to remember them too.

CRUSH YOUR FRICKEN ENEMIES!

> BUY NOW: CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES

Crush Your Enemies is a game on Steam and the App store that has touched the hearts of thousands, but especially mine. About $3.99 on sale but normally $9.99, the game features DLC, but more importantly, it features Vikings. Made by Gambitious and Vile Monarch, the game is a Real Time Strategy that focuses less on complex strategy and more on destroying units and buildings within the allotted time and with the given resources.

The game mostly focuses on conquest (story mode), and although there is most certainly a multiplayer mode where you can face against and team up with your friends, the story is where the fun really happens. The plot focuses on Brog, proud yet foul-mouthed barbarian leader, and his son Fuzgut, fat and lazy representation of most of the people who will end up buying this game. Brog wants to teach his crappy son to crush his enemies, yet in the end Fuzgut is able to make his father proud in his own way as they take down the king’s army to appeal to the cow god who threatens to destroy the world. If you want a summary of the plot here it is: it doesn’t matter.

The actual gameplay has you on a world map where you progress by completing up to 3 missions for each stage. Some of these missions are too simple, some are too hard, and some are just right. Goldilocks would love this game if everybody didn’t look like hairy bears. If you’re having trouble, you can collect beer to buy items, although collecting this beer becomes a hassle as you have to backtrack to the beginning of the map to pick up all of the glasses. You control groups of up to 50 barbarians at a time, each with different classes and abilities that you can use to your advantage. The campaign is split into two parts, the first being the “crush your enemies” portion, while the second overcomplicates everything with a farming section before getting back to the good part.

So is the game good? I would say so. The music might be boring and the repetitive “muh muh muh” voice acting might provide a slight, teensy-tiny bit of irritation. However, these faults are an agreeable price to pay in comparison to the beautiful pixel art, the humorous, mature, Scottish-accented writing, and responsive touch/click controls. If you want to experience a forgiving, lighthearted game with classic graphics, I suggest you Crush Your Enemies to your heart’s content.